Goodbye Love

Goodbye Love

Liz Longley

I swear I felt you kissing her from miles and miles away
It hollowed out my chest, I felt your love escape
While your lips were pressed against her my head was on a pillow case cry “Goodbye Love, I’m gonna be okay”

Now my thoughts keep running wild… like a child running through a field
I wonder if you’re crazy about her and how holding her must feel
Did you take her to your bed?
Did she sleep there on my side?
Oh goodbye love, I’m gonna be alright

Goodbye love, I’m gonna be okay 
Goodbye love, I know it has to be this way
Goodbye love

There’s a place our love remains
It is captured in time
It’s still sitting by the river, your hands woven into mine
It is perfectly untouched

It knows no loss, no pain
Oh goodbye love, I’m gonna be okay

Goodbye love, I’m gonna be okay
Goodbye love, I know it has to be this way
Goodbye love

I’m gonna be okay

 

… Tonight I am thinking about loves lost and loves gain. The man I thought I loved for the longest time is now married and has four children. I haven’t spoken to him in many years. But this blog is about putting the past to rest. I now feel that it is time to put him to rest. I feel I can move on and everything as hopeless as it seems now will be, finally, okay. I love my husband. More than he probably knows. Now, perhaps, I can give him my whole heart. But, thinking about it, hasn’t he had it already? We’ve spent five wonderful years together and he’s seen everything. The bipolar episodes, the PTSD, the nightmares, the tears, the fear, everything. He hates my fathers as much as I do. He’s seen the lies. He’s seen my lies and has helped me to find the truth. 

The truth is, while I titled this blog, ‘Little Girl Freed,’ I really haven’t been free from my past. I feel a change is in order. That I must let everything go. I must cleanse my spirit and my heart. I have a new life, a new love, and a new outlook. I have a new goal to succeed in life and I’m pursuing it. I am back in school. I have a perfect 4.0 GPA. If I keep this up I can graduate valedictorian. That’s new for me. While I’ve always succeeded in academia, that is the one thing that has always slipped through my fingers. Maybe, just maybe, I have found my place in this world. I have found a career choice that fits me. I want to be a Detective for the Juvenile Specialty teams. I want to help children like me. I want to help them in a way that no one has ever helped me. And with each child I save I feel that my heart can mend. No child should ever go through what I went through. No one deserves to be beaten and made to feel like nothing. A child deserves nothing but love, hugs, and kisses. 

Jason (my husband) and I can do better for our children. I know that he is afraid of the idea. But slowly, I’m sure that I can show him that he will be a great Father. Just as he is a wonderful and great husband. The best I could have ever hoped for and more than I feel I deserve. But, isn’t that what all this therapy is about.. learning the things that I wasn’t taught as a child, learning that I am deserving. I do deserve happiness and can give love. My therapist said that I have a “loving spirit”. He said that he could see me as a mother. It’s funny because although I do not have children, I have never met my children, I don’t know there names, I don’t know their faces, I love  them unconditionally and would NEVER let anyone hurt my children. I would kill those that try before they were able to. I would go without so that my children could have everything. I love my children. I want my children. I deserve to have children. I deserve to be a police officer. I deserve to be loved. I am not worthless. I am not a loser. I am not lying, conniving, and hurtful.

I am full of love, compassion, and understanding. Although I will never understand why what has happened to me, I can learn to move past it. As it stands right now, I can never forgive. I can never love either of my fathers. I can never respect them. Because they are not men. My husband is a real man. And he’s showing my how a real man treats a woman.  He amazes me everyday just by sticking around. He could have left at anytime… but he didn’t. And, while he is not as forthcoming with verbal and physical cues that say, “I’m completely in love with you.” He does show me in his own way. He takes care of me. He’s always taken care of me. He protects me. He does put me before himself. Even with I don’t notice or even thank him. Sometimes it’s hard for me to accept that. I have a fucked up past. So does he. But we are learning what true love is, and we are learning it together. He is my everything. I want for no one less then him.