He Was We
“Happily Ever After”
Let me riddle you a ditty, it’s just an itty bitty, little thing on my mind.
About a boy and a girl, trying to take on the world one kiss at a time.
Now the funny thing about, ain’t a story without it, but the story is mine.
And I wish you could say, that it ended just fine.
We all want to know, how it ends.
Oh, happily ever after, wouldn’t you know, wouldn’t you know.
Oh, skip to the ending, who’d like to know, I’d like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?
Inhale, breathe steady, exhale, like you’re ready, if you’re ready or not.
Just a boy and a girl trying to take on the world, and we want to get caught.
In the middle of a very happy ending, let’s see what we’ve got, let’s give it a shot.
Let’s give it a shot.
We all want to know, how it ends.
Oh, happily ever after, wouldn’t you know, wouldn’t you know.
Oh, skip to the ending, who’d like to know, I’d like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?
We all have a story to tell.
Whether we whisper or yell.
We all have a story, of adolescence and all it’s glory.
We all have a story to tell.
Oh, happily ever after, wouldn’t you know, wouldn’t you know.
Oh, skip to the ending, who’d like to know, I’d like to know.
Author of the moment, can you tell me, do I end up, do I end up happy?
We all have a story to tell.
We all have a story to tell.
We all have a story to tell.
We all have a story to tell.
My “happily ever after”… this song… I feel so far from it. I would like to do just as the song says. I don’t exactly want to skip to the end, but if I had a magical looking glass or a genie, I would wish to see how my life turns out. In less than six months I will be twenty-eight. What have I to show for almost being thirty? I have no career… no job for that matter. I have no children. I am married; and happily most days. I’m dreading Monday. Monday will tell me if I’m going away for a while. I would say that I wouldn’t like to drag my personal life into this, but what is this blog anything but my personal life.
So, a couple of months ago I had to take Jason (my husband) to work and I had to drop him off two hours away which meant leaving at 4:30 that morning. I didn’t sleep well that night and I would just have let Jason take my car but he didn’t, at the time, know how to drive stick. So I took him and we got there alright. Then I came home and went back to bed. I overslept my alarm to pick him up and woke up an hour late. I was speeding and got pulled over by a “Statey”. Well, as things would have it, I hadn’t (still haven’t) gotten my license renewed. I got a ticket for DWSL (driving with suspended license) and speeding. I hired a lawyer, but then I got fired. So long story short, I still haven’t gotten the funds together to get my license back (which was suspended for not having insurance… and I’m still trying to get that straightened out, because I did have insurance.) So Monday is “Truth” day. I will find out if I am going to jail for four months. Yes, it’s that serious.
I’ve never been in any kind of trouble before and I don’t know what I am facing. I don’t know how it’s going to be with my treatment and I don’t know how it’s going to be with my medication management. I’m scared. Flat out, there, I said it. And, the question becomes, how come I am facing a possible jail sentence and my abusers never are or did. How could people so, inherently evil, never get caught, and the good person, who never does anything wrong, get in trouble. By the aforementioned statement, yes I was not doing a ‘good’ thing. It was an illegal thing. But, still.. good intentions? I don’t know. If I didn’t get Jason to work he would have been fired, too. If I had woken up or not gone back to bed at all, I wouldn’t have been speeding. It seems like the universe is not working in my favor on this one.
I’ve been… (deep breath here), treated like shit my whole life. How can I deserve this? How did I ever deserve any of this? Who would molest their daughter? Who would beat their daughter? Who would tell her she’s dirty and worthless? And who would have known that this strong girl, ten years later, would feel dirty and worthless? I don’t know what happened to me in my journey to get away from the hell I grew up in. I’m broke, my credit sucks, I’ve had my identity stolen, I’ve been homeless, I’ve been fired from a job because I was injured at said job. I was supposed to be a doctor, dammit! I was supposed to have children by now. I was supposed to marry someone else. I was supposed to.. I don’t know. Be happy, be better. I was supposed to have escaped my fate!
I’m so ANGRY! That’s the word for it. I’m angry all the time. I don’t care for anyone other than myself. I’m selfish. I’m a fraud. A joke. I’m a shell of some person I don’t recognize anymore. I … I fucking give up. I’m done. If I go to jail, I go to jail. Maybe Jason will be here when I get out, maybe he won’t. He probably won’t because that seems to be the path my life has taken. No matter how hard I try, I always fail. ALWAYS. My first marriage was a joke! I got married on a mania trip and tried to make it work. He told me that I was “fat and stupid.” And that the next time I tried to commit suicide, I’d “better get it right!”
Jason, he’s not like anyone I’ve ever met. He’s compassionate and loving, and probably more than I deserve. More than I feel I deserve anyway. Maybe trying to escape fate isn’t the problem. The world is harmonics. Everything falls into it’s own place in time and the world harmonizes. I had a bad, fucked up childhood. Now, I’ve fucked up my future. That’s where everything stands. Fucking harmonics.